Loneliness, Aloneness, or Solitude

"Many people cannot distinguish between loneliness, aloneness, and solitude, confusing them all as being detrimental to the human spirit.  Solitude, however, is an aloneness that is, or can be creative.  Solitude brings self-discovery.  It allows the mind to untangle itself.  Solitude is to let the mind and emotions drain away, free from the demands of others.  Solitude is not loneliness and need not be a crippler.  It need not lead to despair.  The secret of having times of solitude is in understanding that this is not a process for ill but an opportunity for God to show Himself as perhaps He cannot do when the landscape becomes too crowded."[1]

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[1] Carol Kaptains notes for singles only NTM conference 2006

Spiritual Act of Worship

2 Timothy 2:4 we see that “no one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs – he wants to please his commanding officer.” As we seek God with all of our heart and die to our own agendas, He will begin to guide us to where we need to invest our lives. Having a spouse is a beautiful part of life once we are directed to it by our “commanding officer”. Until then our duty is to chase wholeheartedly after God as only a single person can.

Potential Glory - Part Two

We see the idea of potential glory in the story of the Israelites. In chapters 13 and 14 of Exodus we see the Israelites who had been freed from slavery. God had heard their cries and had delivered them from the power of the Egyptians.

After several days of traveling, God leads them to a “dead-end.” The Red Sea is in front of them and mountains are on the sides. Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, hears about this “mistake” and decides that he should never have let them go. He calls out his army and marches after the Israelites.

Potential Glory - Part One

A story is told of a young single missionary who lived in a simple rented apartment. The owner of the apartment was often difficult to relate with. Sometimes the owner would be very demanding, would not make repairs when needed, or would raise the rent unexpectedly. It was difficult for the young missionary, but she asked for God's help to forgive and not become bitter.

Emotions - Window to the Heart

Is it good to be emotional? Some would probably say “yes”, others maybe “no”. Some of it might depend on the family you come from, the cultural background that you have, or your temperament. Some of us are very emotional because that’s the way that we have chosen to live life. Others of us hold our emotions in check because we are afraid of losing control or making ourselves vulnerable. At times we allow ourselves to feel angry because it makes us feel strong and in control and we refuse humility because we are afraid that somehow that makes us weak. Others of us refuse to love because that demands that we draw close enough to another human being that all kinds of emotions will be stirred and at a deeper level than we’ve ever known. We are afraid because we know that if we give our hearts to another they will have the ability to hurt us worse than anyone else.

Intimacy Lost - The Fear of Being Known

Glynn Wolfe died alone in Los Angeles at the age of 88. No one came to claim his body; the city paid to have him buried in an unmarked grave. This is sad, but not unusual. It happens all too often in large cities where people tend to live disconnected lives.

Glynn's situation was unique, however, because he was no ordinary man. He held a world record. The Guinness Book of World Records listed him as the Most Married Man, with 29 marriages to his credit. This means 29 times he was asked, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife…forsaking all others do you pledge yourself only to her, so long as you both shall live?" Twenty-nine times Glynn Wolfe said, "I do," but it never quite worked out that way.

He left behind several children, grand-children, great grand-children, a number of living ex-wives, and innumerable ex-in-laws—and still, he died alone. He spent his entire adult life looking for something he apparently never found—and he died alone.

The fact is, if we look for ultimate fulfillment in marriage, romance, friendship, or family, we will never be satisfied. As important as these relationships are, they cannot take the place of the Ultimate Relationship for which we have been created.

The Divine Orchestrator

In the life of Joseph, Joseph orchestrated nothing. Through his dreams as a young man we can see that God is the one who had made the plan for His life. Troubles seemed to plague his young adult life, but Joseph honored God in the present, day at a time, with no idea what the future held. Scripture tells us multiple times that "God was with him." Where? in the slavery? in the false accusations of attempted rape? in the prison? in being forgotten by the cupbearer from the palace? Yes, in it all. It must have been difficult to see it at times in the ordinary, day-to-day events, but God was working His plan to perfection. In the end it was all clear. God had been preparing Joseph for the task of leadership all of his life.

So here is the question. If we are wanting to walk with God and be and do all we were created to be and do, then what part do we play in that process? I am sure there is a more complete answer but one foundational truth that we see in the story of Joseph is this, "walk honorably today and trust that God is orchestrating your tomorrows."

Living in the Reality of God

Our belief of how the world works dictates how we live. We live our lives in a way that we think will most benefit our desires in the world as we see it. Whether it is true of not, this is our reality, so we live as if it is true.

For example, if we have been impacted by divorce, adultery, or a broken heart then we might believe that committed love is a myth. If so, we live for the moment, pursuing non-committed counterfeit romance protecting ourselves from the pain that might result if we believe there could be a truly meaningful love relationship with another person.

Building Our Lives Upon The Rock

"Whether we are aware of it or not we each have adopted a perspective of life that guides us. We have chosen to base our life on something.  Some have chosen money, some fame, some comfort, some happiness, some worldly success, some romance, some security, some job,  and some reputation.

All of us have built our life upon something.   In Matthew 7:24-27 Jesus Christ speaks directly to this issue and makes the choice remarkably clear.

Friendship and the Cross - Part 3

It is only in the vertical love relationship with God that we are prepared for the rigors of the horizontal love of neighbor. It is only in our nakedness before God that we learn how to be transparent before man. It is only as our life finds its resting place in the unconditional love of Christ that we can selflessly love others, speaking truth in love and giving grace undeserved. Only then do we begin to walk in the reality of true fellowship with one another.

Truth and Grace in the midst of authentic relationships.  Only these kinds of relationships will refine us to be like Christ and usher us into truly great fellowship with others. The more real we are with each other, the more trustworthy is the “I love you” that we receive. Otherwise we are only “loved” for who we claim to be in public and not for who we truly are in private.

Friendship and the Cross - Part 2

Deeper, selfless friendship is possible but we can't love others well unless we first love God well. If we are secure in Christ then we can take the risk of being real with others. The idea of true friendship drives us once again back to the cross and resurrection of Christ. On our own we are in trouble but with others who are familiar with their own sin and who have found the grace and wisdom of God, life can be different. It is in the grace of God that we can accept our strengths with humility and our weaknesses with grace. We can risk being real with others because we are already unconditionally loved by Christ.

Look at these examples to see how the gospel affects how we relate with others.

The Finisher of Stories

            We all have stories. Some of our stories include forgiveness, peace, joy, and hope while others of our stories include mistakes, pain, addiction, and regret. All of us have parts of our stories that we wish we could go back and change, but we can’t. Thankfully we serve a God who is a Finisher of Stories.

Shared Responsibility

We tend to be a people of extremes. Even as ministers and missionaries we do the same. At times we wait on God to do things that are our responsibility and at other times we try to control things that are His. This will only leave us with failure, worry, and bitterness towards God. Scripture gives a clear picture of the Christian life that can be lived in relation with God. This is where we are enabled to do that which is our responsibility, while resting in God to manage those areas that only He can do. This begins to return the freedom, remove the burden, and grow the faith that each of us needs as we live a truly meaningful life with Christ.

Being Made Like Christ on a Daily Basis

King David was the greatest king that the nation of Israel ever had. The scripture tells us that the reason for this was because he was a man after God’s Own Heart. But how does one become a man after God’s Own Heart? We see that God used every experience in David’s life to build His character so that He would be the man that God intended. Whether good or bad, God worked in the midst of every situation so that David would be ready for the plans that God had for his life.

Chicken McNuggets vs Chicken Marsala

Several years ago friends took me to a restaurant called "Carraba's." I had never been there before. We had to wait 45 minutes to be seated. I was hungry but they said it would be worth the wait. I hoped they were right. They recommended Chicken Marsala, so I went along with their recommendation. We waited another 30 minutes. That is now an hour and 15 minutes. The food finally came and of course we ate the salad first. Then, finally it was time to try the Marsala. I picked up the fork and the knife, cut the first piece, stuck it in my mouth and . . . a speechless WOW! My mouth had a party. My tastebuds had never experienced anything like that. It was incredible. With every bite the memory of the hour and 15 minute wait faded away. I would have waited two hours for this, maybe three!        

As I think back to that experience I could have arrived at Carraba's, found out about the 45 minute wait and said forget it! I'm going across the street to the McDonald's drive-in to get some chicken Mcnuggets because I want to eat now! It would have been quicker. It would have filled me up, at least for the moment, but then I would have missed out on so much more.

We are tempted to do this in our life all the time.  Credit cards – buy now, physical purity – don’t wait until marriage, walk away from a difficult friendship instead of working through it to make it even stronger. So many times we settle for the short term pleasure instead of the long-term joy. We can see Christ model this idea in Hebrews 12. “Who for the Joy set before Him endured the cross.”

In the midst of your ministry and singleness refuse the short cuts. God is preparing our character to match our assignment.  Don't settle for the counterfeit pleasure, hold out for the unspeakable joy. Trust Him. He knows exactly what He is doing.

Is it harder for single pastors to find a job?

I recently read an article written by a single pastor who was bothered by the fears that people have of hiring single pastors. I agree that at times being single is a hindrance to getting a job in ministry, but what perspective should we have as single pastors. As we examine ourselves and walk humbly with our God will He not open the doors that He wants open and close the doors that He wants closed? If God controls the hearts of kings (Prov. 21:1) does He not also control the hearts of search committees and missions agencies. I agree with the writer of the article, but I am just not ready to trust my future and my calling to the cultural and theological whims of man. Yes, we need to prepare our resumes and go to interviews, but if God has called us, and if we are walking with Him, then He will make a way where there seems to be no way. Whether I am full-time, part-time, or volunteer, my calling remains the same. As we love God and love neighbor I believe God will make things right according to His will and not ours. He works all things for the good. May we rest in Him, even when we are searching for where God wants us next.