The Single and the Self-Centered Life

The single life naturally draws one towards self-centeredness. In the United States it is at times even worse.

Those raised with an American mindset also have to battle against individualism. In The Good Society, sociologist Robert Bellah and his coauthors challenge people in the United States to evaluate their lives. There are growing numbers of homeless people, broken families, racial tensions, unemployment, and scandal. They point to the American sense of heightened individualism as a major hindrance to finding a solution to these problems. This sense of individualism can be traced back to America’s Founding Fathers who promised individual freedom, unlimited opportunity, and minimized government.

The Danger of Forgetting the Gospel

When you forget the gospel, you begin to seek from the situations, locations,

and relationships of ministry what you have already been given in Christ. You begin to look to ministry for identity, security, hope, well-being, meaning, and purpose. These are things you will only ever find vertically. They are already yours in Christ so you have to fight to give the gospel presence in your heart. Also, when you live out of the grace of the gospel, you quit fearing failure, you quit avoiding being known,

 and you quit hiding your struggles and your sin.^[1]

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[1] Paul Tripp, “Pastoral Ministry is War,”, accessed August 18, 2013, http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/08/08/pastoral-ministry-is-war/.

When a Single Pastor Flirts

Flirt -  A playful advance by one person to another subtly indicating a romantic or sexual interest.

So why do we flirt? Maybe that is our way of "testing the waters" to see if someone we are sincerely interested in is interested in us. In most cases the motives for flirting are not that pure. We flirt with no long term goals in mind. We want to be seen as attractive, desirable, funny, or countless other adjectives that somehow make us feel like a more valued person. Maybe we just like the challenge or can't stand the solitude. We see him or her.  They catch our attention because of their appearance or persona and we decide that it would be nice to receive that person's attention. So we flirt. Maybe they return our gaze multiple times on the subway. Or maybe we are attracted to her low cut blouse, or his masculine physique. We slip into this fantasy world. But think about it. That "look" attracts us now but if he or she ever became ours that same "look" would drive us crazy with jealousy. It is not what the spouse of a minister should ever wear.

Stressors of Singleness

In preparation for this writing the author received input from various single ministers. Most were done by face to face interviews, others by email, and others solely by their writings and perspectives as single ministers. Their views have been brought together to understand the stressors in the lives of single ministers.

When interviewed their most mentioned struggles were with loneliness, a lack of accountability, a search for significance, discontentment, self-pity and at times too much freedom. Others also talked about their difficulty of balancing control, compromise, and submission. Most singles would be familiar with these struggles but when combined with the demands of ministry that have already been mentioned it becomes fertile soil for certain types of temptations.

The Demands of Ministry

As one seeks to understand the temptations of a single minister one must have a good understanding of the demands of ministry. Ministry of any type is a job that deals with the eternal. While others have jobs that are important, demanding, and stressful, ministers have the burden of knowing that what they do has the potential of impacting every part of their congregants’ lives. It affects the present and eternity. It is a calling that deals with the most profound issues of humanity. If one is not equipped with the needed skills and knowledge and not empowered by the Holy Spirit, ministry can quickly deteriorate from a blessing to a curse. It is truly a vocation, a calling, with huge rewards and at times gut-wrenching losses.

When We Forget the Gospel

When you forget the gospel, you begin to seek from the situations, locations,

and relationships of ministry what you have already been given in Christ. You begin to look to ministry for identity, security, hope, well-being, meaning, and purpose. These are things you will only ever find vertically. They are already yours in Christ so you have to fight to give the gospel presence in your heart. Also, when you live out of the grace of the gospel, you quit fearing failure, you quit avoiding being known,and you quit hiding your struggles and your sin.^[1]

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[1] Paul Tripp, “Pastoral Ministry is War”, http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/08/08/pastoral-ministry-is-war/ (accessed August 18, 2013).

The Dreams of David Brainerd (Single Missionary)

“I cared not where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls for Christ. While I was asleep I dreamed of these things, and when I awoke the first thing I thought of was this great work.”

Loneliness, Aloneness, or Solitude

"Many people cannot distinguish between loneliness, aloneness, and solitude, confusing them all as being detrimental to the human spirit.  Solitude, however, is an aloneness that is, or can be creative.  Solitude brings self-discovery.  It allows the mind to untangle itself.  Solitude is to let the mind and emotions drain away, free from the demands of others.  Solitude is not loneliness and need not be a crippler.  It need not lead to despair.  The secret of having times of solitude is in understanding that this is not a process for ill but an opportunity for God to show Himself as perhaps He cannot do when the landscape becomes too crowded."[1]

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[1] Carol Kaptains notes for singles only NTM conference 2006

Herrnhut, Moravians, and Surrendering All

Around 1720 in Germany there was a man by the name of Count Zinzendorf. He opened his land to persecuted Moravian believers encouraging them to settle and build a community. They did. There were difficult times at first, but God began to move in their midst. They eventually started a prayer meeting that last 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 125 years. From these prayers came results described in these words.

"The sending out of hundreds of Christian missionaries to many parts of the world including the Caribbean, North and South America, the Arctic, Africa, and the Far East.  The Moravian missionaries were the first large scale Protestant missionary movement. They were also the first to send unordained "lay" people rather than trained professional clergymen. They were the first to go to the slaves, and the first in many countries of the world. Among the first Moravian missionaries were a potter named Leonard Dober and a carpenter named David Nitschmann who went to the Caribbean island of St Thomas in 1732. They sold themselves into slavery in order to reach the slaves there." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_the_Moravian_Church)

Living by God's Word not Our Feelings

The Christian is the man who no longer seeks his salvation, his deliverance, his justification in himself, but in Jesus Christ alone. He knows that God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him guilty, even when he does not feel his guilt, and God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him not guilty and righteous, even when he does not feel that he is righteous at all. . . He lives wholly by God's Word pronounced upon him.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together