The Single and the Self-Centered Life

The single life naturally draws one towards self-centeredness. In the United States it is at times even worse.

Those raised with an American mindset also have to battle against individualism. In The Good Society, sociologist Robert Bellah and his coauthors challenge people in the United States to evaluate their lives. There are growing numbers of homeless people, broken families, racial tensions, unemployment, and scandal. They point to the American sense of heightened individualism as a major hindrance to finding a solution to these problems. This sense of individualism can be traced back to America’s Founding Fathers who promised individual freedom, unlimited opportunity, and minimized government.

Stressors of Singleness

In preparation for this writing the author received input from various single ministers. Most were done by face to face interviews, others by email, and others solely by their writings and perspectives as single ministers. Their views have been brought together to understand the stressors in the lives of single ministers.

When interviewed their most mentioned struggles were with loneliness, a lack of accountability, a search for significance, discontentment, self-pity and at times too much freedom. Others also talked about their difficulty of balancing control, compromise, and submission. Most singles would be familiar with these struggles but when combined with the demands of ministry that have already been mentioned it becomes fertile soil for certain types of temptations.

Loneliness, Aloneness, or Solitude

"Many people cannot distinguish between loneliness, aloneness, and solitude, confusing them all as being detrimental to the human spirit.  Solitude, however, is an aloneness that is, or can be creative.  Solitude brings self-discovery.  It allows the mind to untangle itself.  Solitude is to let the mind and emotions drain away, free from the demands of others.  Solitude is not loneliness and need not be a crippler.  It need not lead to despair.  The secret of having times of solitude is in understanding that this is not a process for ill but an opportunity for God to show Himself as perhaps He cannot do when the landscape becomes too crowded."[1]

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[1] Carol Kaptains notes for singles only NTM conference 2006

Unique Needs of Singles in Ministry

The need of single ministers and missionaries is a unique need. It is a coming together of the challenges of the ministry combined with the challenges of being single. In some cases the combination helps, while in many instances it produces heightened areas of vulnerability. The struggle may be with loneliness, control, self-worth, contentment, purpose, or a variety of temptations that seem to gain strength as singleness and ministry rub against each other on a daily basis.  If these areas are not handled well they will lead to catastrophic results. There is a need for single ministers to better discern their areas of vulnerability, the role of the heart in their struggles, and the resources that God has provided to guard their hearts, lives, and ministries.

History's View of Single Ministers

Today, in churches and in missions organizations there are many unmarried people serving in ministry positions of leadership. These follow in the footsteps of Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Apostle Paul, John the Baptist or more recent examples such as Lottie Moon, Amy Carmichael, Trevor Douglas, David Brainerd, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, or John Stott.

In Albert Hsu’s book, “Singles at the Crossroads,” he writes of how the historical Christian perspective of singleness has seemed to swing between extremes. In the Jewish culture of New Testament times marriage was regarded at such a high level of importance, that if an adult was single it was almost as if they were disregarded by the society. To be married and to have children was the norm for all Jews, including religious leaders.  A religious leader without a family was unimaginable.[1]

Hsu goes on to explain how the New Testament church, following the writings and example of Jesus Christ (Matt. 19:11-12) and the Apostle Paul (1 Cor.7), brought singleness to the same level as marriage. Both were considered gifts from God.( 1 Cor. 7:7)  During this time of balanced perspective the early church went ahead to become the predominant faith of the Roman Empire.